Ian & Evan Rose [Indie & Emo] [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
Ian & Evan Rose [Indie & Emo]

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[profile - indie] [Dec. 31st, 2010|12:57 am]
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( Don't start to dance, don't let them know that you're a fan... )
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[profile - emo] [Dec. 31st, 2010|12:56 am]
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( From the hearts and the wrists you allegedly slit... )
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[emo | email | 1] [Dec. 18th, 2009|02:47 pm]
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( Email from Emma to Johnny )
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[emo | 31] [Dec. 17th, 2009|02:30 am]
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Sometimes I wonder if there's such a thing as fate - for us, at all. Maybe it's foolish hope to think that there's a reason for everything that happens, that it's all leading up to some point which will begin another series of events leading to another point and so on. But those roads converge somewhere, to a point where maybe you're meant to be.

Sometimes I wonder if every time we've ever been beat down and ridiculed, every battle we've ever fought - win or lose - and every person who has come and gone from our lives was just a catalyst propelling us through a series of events. It shapes and forms us into the person we need to be in order to get from where we started to the point in our lives where we realize: this is it, this is where we're meant to be... making us into the person who is perfect in every way to be the one in someone else's moment of realizing... this is it.
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[indie | deliveries | 6] [Dec. 14th, 2009|02:14 pm]
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[emo | 30] [Dec. 13th, 2009|01:16 am]
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Back home in Memphis. I apologize for any chaos my sudden disappearance may have caused anyone, but everything's in its right place now considering I kept to my word and haven't let him leave the bedroom since we got home and I think things will be getting better from here on out.

It was pointed out to me that the blizzard in Chicago started the day I got there and the planes were running normal by the time I was ready to ban Pete from the city until March head home. I don't have that kind of power, sorry. It was just a nice coincidence.

But Izzy and Twila should be back by Sunday night, according to my sister and then we can see about spending the next dozen or so days trying to get along - even if I have exiled them to a hotel for a week to have Johnny the house to myself.

Interestingly, I have an interview with Rolling Stone on the 27th. They're going to fly a guy to Memphis to do the interview since I told them, casually, I was currently on holiday. I should be getting the list of topics/questions around the 20th.

They asked me if there was anything I wanted to talk about or anything that I absolutely refused to talk about and apparently they caught me in a good mood because I told them that there were no limits. I guess if you're a musician and it's time for a confession, you go to Rolling Stone. But it'll be interesting. I have some plans. And this is my first cover too, so... there will be photos taken sometime before New Year's.

And then back to New York for a bit on January 2nd. There's assorted business that needs to be handled and we have to open the studio back up for recording. I'm thinking three days there and four days here, splitting the week. It'll be easier to schedule things come summer, assuming another tour doesn't sneak up on us.

( This weekend's theme song. )
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[indie | 18] [Dec. 9th, 2009|06:09 pm]
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I have been ordered instructed to pass on the message that our totally awesome friends (who may or may not be William Beckett currently) over at Fueled by Ramen are streaming LIVE from UStream on their website (as linked) during their 2009 holiday sale, and there will be another chat tomorrow at Noon.

And then he hung up.
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[indie | 17] [Dec. 7th, 2009|01:49 pm]
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Woke up too early to matter to the sound of someone banging on the apartment door. Opened the door. Had puppy & accessories thrust at me.

Great.

I wonder if he thought I would gloat over this, or if he didn't tell me what was going on because he thought I would tell him that I told him so. I'm not happy about it - I'm really not. I don't like seeing my brother hurt. by anyone but me. So no, I'm not pleased about what's happened, the fact that my brother initiated it or the fact that he ran off to Chicago last night on top of it. But of course he did. Of course he ran away from his problems like he always fucking does instead of trying to fix them.

Because it's easier to off yourself than to look for a solution.

Thanks to the puppy delivery I was wide away for the gut-wrenching experience that was feeling it. Every muscle in my body ached for a moment and I could have sworn that I was going to die. Maybe I did. I don't know because I fucking blacked out for ten minutes. A little goddamn notice so I could have braced myself or been with him for that would have been nice. Feeling like you'd really like to just find the end of your rope - literally - when you trying to force yourself to get ready in the morning is an experience that I'd rather not relive again. because four times is enough. And even now the feeling... lingers. The heaviness, the hurt.

I wonder if he ever thinks about the pain he puts other people through when he does this. I'm his fucking twin for crying out loud! Doesn't he consider, for a moment, what it does to me?

Fuck this. I'm staying in the apartment with the puppy and bad Syfy movies all day.
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[emo | 29] [Dec. 3rd, 2009|02:44 am]
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[Private]

My daughter refuses to come home. She has run away to New Orleans and refuses to come back and neither I nor her father mother can say anything about it because I've run off to escape conflict more times than we can count and Indie high-tailed it to Portland two weeks ago and landed us all in this mess. Not that I'm blaming her, no. We both failed as parents, but I'm not sure either of us know what we're doing. That's why she's down there with the Greek and not up here with us. Because we're not capable of handling what's currently going on with her and he, apparently, is. So who am I to say, selfishly, that she should come home because I want her here and derail any progress she might be making? I can't. I just have to make sure I keep tabs on her this time.

But this guilt I feel over having failed her as a parents doesn't sit well with everything else I'm feeling right now. It makes me feel like every action is a selfish one and I cannot bring myself to do anything other than lie in bed or sit on the couch and worry and feel miserable.

I feel... I don't even know. I don't have the right words for this, for once. If it was a song it would be an instrumental. In fact, that's all that's been playing around the house and I wish I could make it play anything else, but I don't have control over this. My head hurts when I think about it, though, and this tightness and wave after wave of panic settles in my chest and I just can't breathe for a while. I know it has to be done and it has to be done soon, but I want her here, safe, when it happens. I know why she ran - she doesn't want to deal with this again. She's already seen the mess I can become once and for a child that's once too much. I worry that Indie knows it's coming too.

I don't know what to do except for just... do it and get it over with. I want to be selfish and wait until after Christmas and the New Year but in the end I know that will just make it more painful and it'll make me want to put it off for longer. This has to be done. I have to tell him. Soon.

And then I get to watch my family fall apart because I can't just stay uninvolved. I have to be obsessed.
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[indie | 16] [Nov. 25th, 2009|05:54 pm]
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[Private]

FUCK.

What do I do? I'm not even remotely capable of handling this. I don't do emotions. That's Evan's job, not mine! And I can't call him because he'll be getting on a plane in an hour and he's bound to be preoccupied with keeping Johnny calm and there's no way he deal with keeping the rest of us calm on top of it and it's probably better if he doesn't have this on his mind while he's trying to deal with Johnny's insane family. Best to break it to him tomorrow night. Or hope that it just passes by then and she's stopped talking about dragons and witches and shit like that.

Where the hell was my daughter for almost two weeks and why didn't a soul realize she was even gone in the first place. And most importantly, who did what to her to make her act like this and in how many different ways am I going to have to torture and maim them in order to make myself feel even a little bit better for being the absolute worst father mother parent on the face of the planet?

Okay, that thing I vowed not to do, about being a helicopter parent.... Yeah, fuck that. I'm never letting her out of my sight again.
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[emo | email | 1] [Nov. 23rd, 2009|10:22 pm]
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( Email from Evan Rose to Jason Chelsea )

OOC: This is Jay, Emo's manager/PR guy. His firm - and specifically, him - personally handles both management and public relations for Emo, his band, Indie and now Twee. He's an often yelled-at and verbally abused man who takes all of Emo's "diva moments" with a calm attitude and, often, a grain of salt as well. He will probably remain faceless, BUT if any of your kids in the music industry need a PR guy/manager let me know because I might also make him an actual character somewhere down the road.
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[emo | letters to johnny | 2] [Nov. 21st, 2009|08:18 pm]
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( Private to Johnny )
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[emo | 28] [Nov. 21st, 2009|04:42 pm]
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[Private]

Sometimes I wonder if anyone else can feel these approaching storms the way I can, the tension that settles over everything and darkness slowly creeping in, or if that's simply a side-effect of who I am and what I represent.

My head feels like a battleground right now - a constant, plaguing migraine and sickness. Everything feels off, even the moments of peaceful calm and happiness feel tainted by something indescribable. And it isn't the fact that Indie is here now, because I felt this even before that. Just a nagging feeling that something is very, very wrong. And I don't know what it is - I don't even know where to start looking - and I feel like I missing something huge. Something I'm going to regret overlooking later. Something that might kill me.

All this in addition to the fact that things here don't feel right. Indie is still a wreck, though she's doing better right now. I don't know if she's ever going to go back to being "he". Right now it doesn't look very likely. It feels strange to me because Indie is my brother and it's like she's trying to hide. Well, no. She is trying to hide. I know this as well as she does. And I guess all I can do is let her know that she doesn't have to hide. Strange now that when I think of the future I see Izzy and not Ian.

I don't even know what to say about Johnny right now, but I wish I did. I suppose we'll see after Thanksgiving. I have this feeling about what's going to happen with his family and as much as I want to throw myself into it and selfishly enjoy the picture, I know how much it's going to hurt him. And I know the rush I'm going to get off that - which doesn't make me feel any less guilty about the whole ordeal. I wish that his pain and anxiety didn't give me such a rush. But I guess I've accepted that we'll never be normal. If we even last past the holidays, that is.

I have such anxiety about bringing him around my family. Not because I think that anyone will do anything rude around anyone else, but I don't want to bring him around anyone because I don't want them to see what a failure I am a month from now when it all inevitably falls apart. Indie was right, all those months ago, there's just something Johnny doesn't have the ability to do and I'm afraid that it's a lot more important than I thought it was when I got into this. I'm terrified. I'm sick. But there's nothing I can do about it but stop delaying the inevitable. I wouldn't be so cruel as to do it before Thanksgiving but I'm not going to be able to keep my mouth shut much longer.

I feel like I'm close to losing everything. My brother sister is losing her mind, my boyfriend is... I don't even know, so close to being perfect but just can't say the one thing that matters. I don't know where the band stands right now; some days it's it's good and some days it's bad. My children... I have no idea where either of them are or what they're doing because they've both locked me out in their own ways. And all I want to do is go somewhere, get stoned and wait to fade.

Maybe it's just that time of year.
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[emo | 27] [Nov. 19th, 2009|11:43 am]
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Oh sweet Jesus...

I'm sorry sugar, but this is better than anything we've done in the last week. Though we might need a repeat of Monday night if the second cigarette is half as good as this one is.

I think everyone in the house is glad that we won't be chain-smoking around my highly irritable straight-edge brother sister - who is still, much to my shock, not half as irritable as she usually is. It's bad enough we're going to have to deal with the rant about animals having feelings and the "Do you know how much an animal suffers to put meat on your table?" tirade when I announce I'm making bacon with breakfast this morning.

Yes, Iz. And pain and suffering is delicious. Almost as delicious as every cancer-causing agent in this cigarette.
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[indie | 15] [Nov. 18th, 2009|09:44 pm]
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Posted via Blackberry

In the cab on the way to the house. Feeling the urge to smoke for the first time since 1994 and it almost hurts not to have one. But I had two very good reasons for swearing off all that shit and what sort of example would I be if I just started back up again?

You know the strange thing that happens when Emo's your brother? Emotions don't get sucked away the closer you get to him, they get stronger and stronger until you touch and he can make everything stop.

I want to crawl into a hole, forget all this holiday stuff and forget the fact that while everyone wants to be the uncool kid, no one wants to be with the uncool kid.
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[indie | 14] [Nov. 17th, 2009|09:18 pm]
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There is officially only one way to enjoy Portland. As a gorgeous, available little hipster chick. Lesson learned. I've met boy and girls and ate ate ate some more and had my picture taken and danced until my legs were jelly and the room spun when I stood still. High on music and power and adoration. Who needs anything else when they can derive that kind buzz from life itself?

This city is magic.


[Private; Viewable to Emo and Johnny]

It's a good act, isn't it? It's always been a good act. But I've been too far West for too long and some mornings it's just futile to get out of bed in the first place. That's why hotels have mini-bars and room service, pay-per-view channels and phone books with escort services and everything a girl could ever need.

Except the one thing she really does need.

Hurts. Hurts so motherfucking bad and I'm the stubborn fuck who won't leave this city, won't leave my worship, won't come crawling back home to ask for help. No bodily change is going to help the fact that nothing feels right. Who's making who unhappy here? Are you miserable because you're drowning in my pain or am I suffering because my only love is hurting so terribly?

Maybe it's time to come home.
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[emo | 26] [Nov. 14th, 2009|09:16 pm]
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I'm sore. In a good way. I'm also covered in splotches of grey pain, bruises and probably a couple welts that I haven't yet found - paintball is serious business, apparently. Who knew an Italian and a Southerner would get so damn competitive against one another. It's okay, someone's covered practically head-to-toe with blue paint and I'm about to go prod at his bruises for fun.

And this on the heels of last night. Ungh. That was quite possibly the best show I've done in the last five years. It was epic, the crowd was just so into it and it was a huge venue and the band was so good and everything was just perfect. Don't even get me started on what happened after the show because... I was exhausted, let's just say that. First time in months that I actually slept without drugs. And holy crap did we sleep. I don't think I've ever seen him get up later than 8 in the morning, but I swear it must have been almost noon before either of us decided that getting out of bed was any kind of a good idea.

I might just stay in Tennessee. I might never come back to New York. If this is how everything's going to be when I'm here... we might just stay. Oh Jazz, don't get your apron in a twist, auntie. We'll be back for Thanksgiving at least.

Blargh. I need a shower. I just found paint in my ear.

[Private]

I can still feel Indie, but it's different now. It's not the same violent tension as it was yesterday - it doesn't make me want to hide away somewhere and cut. It feels less violent and more wild and careless.

Fuck. Izzy's back.

[/]
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[emo | 25] [Nov. 11th, 2009|08:35 am]
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I see someone decided not to show up to the set one day. Better things to do? Quite alright, we can replace you just as easily.
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[indie | 13] [Nov. 9th, 2009|08:12 am]
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Just got off the plane in Portland and checked into my hotel room. I was hoping that I'd get here and be able to think clearer, but no such luck. And being in an empty hotel room isn't conducive to my current state of mind. Maybe it'll just take time. I'm a bit jet-lagged, after all. I might go wander around a couple of grocery stores and make sure that they're packaging and labeling everything correctly. I'm a teeny bit pissed off at all these companies trying to pass off things as green that are not green.

If this doesn't work, I'm going to LA. And staying there.

Guh. I need... company noise. I need someone to make noise here. Stir things up. After all, this is my city and I should be out there setting all kinds of things on edge. But yet... I don't even really want to be here.

The first person to tell me to quit acting like my brother is going to find a gross of outdated tofu bacon in their trunk seven days after. Like The Ring, only worse.
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[emo | 24] [Nov. 7th, 2009|07:51 pm]
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[Private]

It's weird. It is decidedly, absolutely, without a doubt in my mind fucking weird to have Johnny on this side of me with his arm slung over the back of the seat and Mac across the way on the other seat playing our song and what am I supposed to do? Sit here and be trapped between my boyfriend who won't commit and my best friend who worships me? I just can't have anything nice and simple, can I? No. Everything has to be tumultuous and verging on insanity if it revolves around me in any way.

And I can feel Indie, even if he's all the way in New York and we're halfway to Tennessee, that's how strong it is right now. And I feel bad because he's supposed to be the happy one. He's supposed to be the one in some long-term committed relationship... Not like I have one of those. Not like I'm anything more than a fling. It's shit to think that he's right - that this person is never going to love me and yet here I am willing to give up everything anyhow. I'm weak, is what I am. I'm pathetic. And Indie, who should have everything he wants, is miserable because he has nothing. He doesn't even have me. We're twins; he should always have me.

I just want to be alone, to wallow in my misery and feel sorry for myself and find some body part free of scar and ink to carve into. But there's no place to be alone on a tour bus.

I'm not happy. I'm not even content. I just feel like I'm drifting from one thing to another, alternating trying to numb everything and grasping for one thing to make me feel at all. Drinking, drugs... I was almost free of all of that and now it's back again. Issues like subscriptions. And for what? So I wouldn't be alone anymore...

It's not like we never have fun together - he's not my brother and he's not Pete my band, but he's different and that's why I like him. And it's not like he doesn't care about me and I know he wants to be with me - he's gone through too much not to really want it. But it's just not enough. It's been almost three months, that's it. Sure we moved in together, sure we bought a house together, sure we got a dog... but it's only been three months. I should be content with what I have now and now need to hear that as much as I do.
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